So haven't blogged in a few days, mainly because I was sleeping off my depression. Generally what happens when I am more depressed than normal [on any given day] is cry some [if my medication allows it] and sleep. I sleep to get away from having to manage through the day. I know it sounds unhealthy, and it probably is, but this is how I cope. I sleep, and then I watch Doctor Who.
On Thursday I got my second miserable math test back, and the teacher told me that the best thing I can do is drop the class, because I'm failing so miserably. I pretty much saw this coming, and know it's the best thing to do for my records and such. The thing that upset me the most was having to tell my mother.
My mother and I are really very close, she is the person I turn to with everything. I tell her everything, and I miss her more everyday. I go to her with bad things in my life, and she knows nearly everything. I would be happy just spending the day with her, she is really on the top of my list of favorite people. To a point where I feel sorry for people who don't have a great relationship with their mothers. It makes me sad that others don't have what I do with her.
But disappointing her has always been my biggest fear, my one reason to feel sick. So naturally when I was told that dropping the class was the best thing I can do I cried. I talked to my friend and she calmed me down a bit, and then I had to call my mother. This is equivalent to the death sentence.
I found a dark, far off spot on campus and called her. I told her I had to drop it, but she was in one of her classes. So she called me back about an hour later. As soon as I answered the phone she started screaming and cruising at me saying how mad she was at me for the grades in that class. She was crying and seething, and bitching about how I don't do anything else so how could I possibly not be getting good grades?! [I think she was so pissed at me because when she was my age, her cousin got to go away to college, didn't' graduate, and after four years, only had about nine credits, when my mother wanted to go away, but couldn't. She tends to let things like this out one me, like if I ever snap at my sister she bitches about her older sister, how she bullied her her whole life...but she doesn't get that I'm not her sister, and I'm not her cousin] She then told me that she was so mad that she couldn't even talk to me anymore and gave the phone to my father. Who in turn started patronizing me. Asking what I have been doing, and why I never got help and why I never told them about the first bad graded test. I wanted to tell them that 'I'm supposed to be the smart one, do you realize how mortifying it is to have to call you and tell you I failed a math test? I'm supposed to be good at this stuff!" But I didn't. He then told me that I should have gone to a tutor [which I tried to, but they were booked until after the second test.] and he told me to work with others in my class [which I did] and in the background my mother asked if I was even going to class [which I am, why she would even assume that I don't know... about the girl who has always been too afraid of her mother to skip a class in her life] I told them how I studied and did reviews over and over and still messed up the test. They then bring up other grades I have, [which are nothing compared to this...a bad grade in my house is a B- or even an A-, because "it's not an A"]
They then start bitching at me that I don't do anything besides go to school, and how I have to get a job now to pay for the class I'm dropping...Whatever. At this point in the conversation I've been sobbing and trying to respond, [which he got pissed at me because he couldn't understand me while I cried...]
So after this oh so lovely phone call, I walked back into my room, and went to bed. At 9pm. When my normal sleep schedual ie around 12. I cried myself to sleep, hating myself for being stupid and worthless to my parents. [Talks like those generally make me want to die...] I then didn't wake up until 12pm the next day-15 hours later. This day was now Friday, and I only have one class then, so I forced myself to get up and get dressed. I eventually made my way to this class, and sat through it, taking the notes I needed to take, and zoned in and out the entire hour. After which, I went straight back to my room, and got on the computer. I was feeling so miserable I didn't know what to do. [I am also dangerously low on my anti-depressants] I wanted to sleep, but something lead me to Netflix. Which then lead me to my beloved Doctor Who. I sat at my desk for the next ten or so hours and watched the first/part of the second seasons of my show. [I was alone in my entire suite, since my roommate has better things to do than be with me, which doesn't bother me. No headphones needed!]
So I sat there and watched the whole season and then some, laughing at the good parts and crying at the sad, and catching my breath at the parts I was excited for. I watched it until 4am. I then decided that it was too late to start a new episode and that I really should go to sleep like a normal human being.
Next thing I know, I wake up, look at the clock and it says '3:07pm'. Holy Shit, I slept for 11 hours...another long therapeutic sleep session. I didn't let it bother me that the majority of the day was over, which is generally why I sleep so much anyway, to escape the length of the day. I got up, showered and got back on the computer. I decided today that I would catch up on my 'StarKid' shows on youtube. [for those of you who don't know starkid: look them up. They put on musicals which are hysterical. 'A Very Potter Musical', 'Me and My Dick', 'A Very Potter Sequel', 'Starship' and 'Holy Musical B@tman' all of equal excellence.] So I caught up on those and and before I knew it it was 8pm. And I haven't spoken to a single human today. Which isn't always a bad thing. So I decided to share with my beautiful readers my pain, and hermitness .So here I am, blogging about my wonky sleep habits, depression and parental issues. And of course what makes me feel better, Doctor Who and StarKid.
At this point, I'm not sure what I want. I am planning on watching DW again tonight as soon as I publish this. But I mean in the future. Part of me wants to drop out of school since I feel so unfit for it. But I know that by the reaction I got the other night about a meager math class, I know my parents would disown me if I ever even considered dropping out. Part of me wants to crawl up into my bed and never get back out. And the tiniest sliver of me wants to prove them wrong, and force my grades up...but when I think about that, I feel tired and revert back to my bed. I know I can do it, eventually, but at the moment, I have no motivation, no push, no drive, to do anything. Not even eat. Only watch tv and sleep. So here I go, off to DW world, to feel better, if only for a few hours.
Goodnight my lovely readers,
Allons-y
-M
No comments:
Post a Comment