Bad friend, Math class, Coffee, and Winging it.

      I'm back again! In the same coffee shop as last time. I feel a routine in the making. This time I have internet access, so I can post directly instead of having to wait until I get home to hit 'publish'.
      Not entirely sure what to write about this morning. Maybe my English class because it's fresh in my mind? Maybe my coffee, cause it's too hot to drink so I'm not sure if I put enough milk in it? Or maybe about my phone call with my best friend last night. Maybe my massive crush on my math instructor. All seem promising possibilities, but where to start? I normally have topics listed in my head before I start blogging. I'll go about my day, and if something happens and I can create a title for the topic, it goes on my mental list. So by the time I sit down to write, I know how I am going to start off, organize my topics, and the general theme of each topic. This is all new to me, the making it up as I go along, before anything significant has happened. [As I sit here typing this I remember I need to call my grandmother...is 10am too early?-Probably not]
      Alright, phone call out of the way, let's begin. How about...the phone call. As some of you may know, my best fried lives 1000 miles away from me in Texas. Most of the time we are good with keeping up, but with the new semester starting, and figuring out classes, and jobs and each of our attempts at a social life, it can get tough to even find time to text, let alone call. So last night I was attempting to read my english text book, to no avail, so I was about to hit the sack when I get a text message 'Are you awake?' from her. So of course I respond, and the moment after I send my 'yes' my phone starts ringing. I answer, already expecting to her her unset tone, and she answers with a 'hey', and I know I was right. The thing is, I secretly hoped that she had just broken up with her boyfriend of the last year. He is such an awful person, and he doesn't treat her the way she deserves to be treated. Does this make me a miserable best friend? I wanted her to tell me she broke up with JoeShmoe. [super side note: my coffee is 'edited' perfectly. Damn straight] Anyways, I wnated to hear the tearful story of how he was an ass again, and somehow he had made the break up her fault, and I wanted to be able to bash him with her agreeing. I feel like she is trapping herself. She is convinced that she is 'going to spend the rest of my life with him'. She's 19. He is her first long term boyfriend, I feel like she's heading for disaster. The longer it takes for them to actually break up and NOT get back together five minutes later, the worse heartbreak she is going to be in, and the longer the relationship lasts the more chance that she gets stuck with him in Texas, raising dirty kids in their backwater town, and her never acutally reaching her goal of being an RN. I'm scared.
      How about we move on to the math teacher? Shall we? Okay, go. So he is a graduate student, so only a few years older than me, I'm assuming. He is adorable, curly dark hair, baby face, slight begining of a beer belly. Which is too funny. He is awkward, and trying so hard to be that likable teacher, but his only issue is that he is teaching math. No one wants to be in this class. He  tries to get us to laugh and converse, before everyone gets there, and when no one answers he wrinkles up his nose and give a little awkward laugh. I get giddy. Weird. I've developed a high school girl crush on him. This has never happened before. Part of me wishes I could get to know him better, but I know that even if he did see me as anything other than a student that it wouldn't be allowed. Also I just googled the dating policy, and a free PSU dating site popped up...so curious, but I really shouldn't. Moving on. Back to my math teacher. I get giddy during class, everything he does from his little laughs, his faces, sad jokes, everything makes me giggly. Although I never outwardly giggle, when I say giggly I mean in my head. As I was sitting in class yesterday, I realized that he looked a bit like my favorite singer, as well as a better looking version of my ex. I sat in math class and realized that my instructor is exactly my type. Only me right?
      I'm running out of ideas, my coffee is fantastic, and I have to go to math class in about 45 minutes. I don't know what to do with my time. I probably should have read up on some homework, or something productive. But this is my outlet, and it makes me happy. So I need this. Also I wish the amount of writing I do on here counted toward my required English writing class...so I could just move on and get the more interesting classes out of the way. I can't wait to graduate. I want to teach! OH! I just remembered. While I was in New York a month or so ago, the psychic told me (at the point) I hadn't met my soul mate yet, which was a relief, as well as an excitement. She also said that he was 'just like you, a teacher like you'. I just connected this! My math teacher! haha. maybe.

Allons-y
-M 

Misdirection, Pants, Issues and Freewrite.

So I am sitting here, in a little coffee shop just off campus, blogging because I have an hour to kill before my second class. Also it is freezing outside, so sitting alone is way better than walking around the still closed shops downtown. It is still too early to even shop, everything opens at 10am, and it’s 9:45ish. So nope, Irving’s it is.

So far, this campus is not my friend. I have gotten lost two or three times. Two of which were inside a building…the same building. I have issues I know. So I have six classes this semester, and they all seem to be interesting enough. I just wish some of them were a little later. I have an 8am, and a 9:45. That’s my whole week. Early enough for McDonald’s breakfast is too early for me to be awake. I set those standards years ago.  Not only is my 8am too early, but once it’s over I have two hours to kill on campus before my math class. So that’s where I am at the moment. [Side note, an older man just walked past me with his coffee, with a “Have a nice day ma’am!”. Not exactly sure why, but I told him to have the same and he kept walking.]

So my father has informed me that my loans have been refunded or something along those lines, meaning I get some sort of money back. Whatever the reason, all I know is I now have money on my card. And I own a total of two pairs of pants. So, the $400 that I have (according to my father) is partially going to new pants. Talk about splurging. Typical teenager? Get money, buy pants.

So today in my 8am English class, we talked about an article titled ‘I need a wife’. It was basically about a woman who kept talking about how she needed a wife of her own due to all the work she does for her husband. It was fantastic, but the thing that made it even better were the responses it got from my classmates. As I sat there listening to the guys in the room comment on how all the work this woman had to do just on a daily basis was insane, and how it was too much to even expect all that from one woman and so on, it hit me. I’m actually in college. I realize this because if I were still sitting in a high school classroom, there would be at least half a dozen comments about ‘Oh, that’s the perfect woman, sex on demand and stays quiet…”, whereas in this class, it was the opposite. It was a wonderful feeling. Just the feeling of maturity in the room was noticeable.

Also related to my English class, my professor is actually a graduate student. So we are decently close in age. But whenever he talks, I can only think of his fiancé. He mentioned her twice in our very first class, and now all I can think about is how he is about to get married, or how he proposed, what she looks like, how he feels about her, etc. There is seriously something wrong with me.

Maybe part of it is that I can’t look at any guy around campus and not think ‘maybe you are him’, ‘you would give me my ginger babies’, I’ll say it again, issues. I’ve also come up with a theory while walking around trying not to get too lost or frostbitten. It’s simple really; what if, we are attracted to people who we think will give us what we want in our children? I know this sounds pretty shallow, but it’s kind of a basic primal way of looking at it. Ages ago, it was mate to keep the population alive. Now it’s marriage, children, job, etc. But what if, deep down, we never lost that drive. Mate with one who will give you the strongest offspring? Survival of the fittest, pure instinct.  It sounds brutal and harsh, even to me as I type this, but it also makes some sort of sense.  I want babies. I want to be in a relationship where babies can be a conversation…so many issues.

I start too many topics with ‘so’. So, sitting here my biggest dilemma has become, what time should I leave to get to class for a seat? It’s down the street a few blocks, and its super cold. I also have 45 minutes still. Second dilemma, how weird would it be if I were to pull out the muffin I have in my backpack in the middle of a coffee/sandwich shop? Decisions, decisions.

Oh! I have an idea, time for a free write. For those of you who are officially lost, a free write is when you write whatever comes to mind, without editing anything. So here goes.;

I need to find my book; I think it’s still in my pocketbook. I need to find that. Her voice is amazing. I love her. She’s badass. [Florence + the machine], I don’t want to walk out in the cold again. I want to go home and sleep. I don’t want to walk out to my dad’s car across campus after my seminar. I wonder what the seminar actually is. Why do we need it? People need to stop opening the door, it’s cold out there. I can’t stop pumping my foot. I’m running out of ideas. I want to sleep. I have to figure out the bus system so I can get to class tomorrow morning. I don’t want to go to math class. I hope my text books come today like mom said they would. I hate living at home, I don’t want to live with them anymore. It’s times like last night that really remind me why I wanted to move out. Reminded me why I wanted to kill myself…wow that was really deep shit. That escalated quickly as my friend would say. I’m typing so much the keyboard feels like its curving. My music got really quiet, and my fingers need t be cracked. My pants are hurting, I’m really bloated today. Damn. A nap would be amazing at the moment. I wonder what all I wrote in this free write. I wonder if people actually read my blog. That would be so cool. Having people actually care what I have to say. Although I’ve never gotten any comments from anyone I didn’t personally know. So maybe not. Okay I think it’s time to end the free write. My leg is cold and I need to crack my fingers.  Why aren’t those kids in school? There are a ton of kids who just walked in and…oh damn there’s a ton of them it must be a school trip. But to a coffee shop? Really? Why? Okay now I’m done.  

Allons-y
-M 

Coffee shops, Winter wind, New adviser, and Paranormal.

      Today was one hell of a day. I went to my new campus with a friend who went there last semester, so she could show me around and find my buildings. We stopped for breakfast, and finally started onto the streets.
      We managed our way past my first two buildings, which we got lost finding...looks like I picked the right person to help me navigate... Eventually we gave up, do to the brutal cold, which I'll get to in a few minutes. We walked into the first Dunkin' Dounuts we saw, and ordered coffee and obviously dounuts. So as we were waiting for the coffee's to be finished, my friend asked me if there were any night shifts here. I thought about it for a moment, and couldn't answer her. So I asked the woman working at the counter. With that one simple answer, we walked out of the corner shop with two job applications, and a promise of an interview in three days. Strange, all we wanted was coffee.
      With a bit more 'pep in our step' I guess you could say, we decided to continue looking for the buildings. Granted this didn't happen, but the motive was there...we wound up in the common center, eating donuts and circling buildings on maps we hid from the cold. Outside it was about 28 degrees, without the wind it wouldn't have been so bad, that and if I had had an actual coat on would have helped. We killed a good hour or so in this area. Doing nothing really. Eventually, after leaving the common building, we decided to go back to the place where we had breakfast, for lunch. Oi, we did anything to stay away from the cold.
      The reason I needed this adventure to be today, was because I had a meeting with my brand new college adviser. This I was not looking forward to, because my last one was miserable. Every time I met with her, she told me I was going to graduate a semester later and later, even if I hadn't changed anything academically. Whatever. This one is fantastic, she explains all my questions on a way that I can understand. She's laid back, and chill. My kind of person.
      On to the 'paranormal'. This is where it gets weird. So my friend and I were bored, as I had mentioned earlier, and we really didn't want to walk around outside. So we decided to go to the campus library. Now, a bit of back story, there is a story that there was a girl murdered in the stacks of this library. Creepy story? Of course we are there! So We only knew that the murder happened on the second floor of the 'stacks'. The stacks is only rows and rows of books, with a low ceiling and individual row lighting. kind of creepy by itself, and also pretty damn awesome for a bookworm like myself. So naturally we went into the second floor of the stacks. looking down every isle, looking for something. Part of me was expecting a plaque of some sort. Which is ridiculous I know, but whatever. So we looked, and goofed on each other, making comments about how this was ideal for a murder. Things along those lines. So anyway, we walked and looked, finding no plague, which was slightly disapointing to be honest. But we kept on looking. Eventually we found this little side room of the stacks. We went in there and the first thing I noticed was that these stacks stretch all the way to the wall. which struck me as odd for some unknown reason."Whoa, goosebumps" I commented, and she looked at me and said "Me too!" we laughed and kept walking. We managed our way out of the little room, and were heading toward the end of the floor. The whole time she was googling the murder on her phone. Finally she found where it took place, "between stacks 50 and 51" She read out loud. I looked up, and walked to the end of the long room. The stacks only went up to 42. That's weird. I then look at her "What were the numbers in the small room? Did you notice them?" She shook her head, and we walked back in. We walked back in the same way as the first time, and found the stacks. right in front of stacks 50 and 51 was where we both got chills. We looked at each other, slightly shocked.  I then proceded to follow her down the little isle. She got to the end and was giggling, commenting on how weird this was. We both had chills again, and couldn't stop commenting on how weird it was that we felt chills without knowing where it actually happened. She then walked out into the main part of the room. I turned around to look at her, and I suddenly had the most overwhelming sensation, of sadness. All I wanted to do was cry, but only in one spot...I told her I didn't feel good. We then decided to get out of there. As we walked out of the stacks and down the stairs I started to feel better. We went down into the lounge area of the library, as she continued to look up the murder and the facts. She found a diagram of the crime scene, and there was an X in the isle that was labeled 'where body was found'-the X was on the exact spot where I wanted to cry. My friend went into that library a skeptic, and left a little bit more on the believer side...I've always believed.
      This young woman was stabbed in the heart in that isle in 1969 at the age of 22, and they never caught who did it. Her name was Betsy Aardsma, and I met her today.
     Allons-y
-M

May you rest in peace Betsy.