Misdirection, Pants, Issues and Freewrite.

So I am sitting here, in a little coffee shop just off campus, blogging because I have an hour to kill before my second class. Also it is freezing outside, so sitting alone is way better than walking around the still closed shops downtown. It is still too early to even shop, everything opens at 10am, and it’s 9:45ish. So nope, Irving’s it is.

So far, this campus is not my friend. I have gotten lost two or three times. Two of which were inside a building…the same building. I have issues I know. So I have six classes this semester, and they all seem to be interesting enough. I just wish some of them were a little later. I have an 8am, and a 9:45. That’s my whole week. Early enough for McDonald’s breakfast is too early for me to be awake. I set those standards years ago.  Not only is my 8am too early, but once it’s over I have two hours to kill on campus before my math class. So that’s where I am at the moment. [Side note, an older man just walked past me with his coffee, with a “Have a nice day ma’am!”. Not exactly sure why, but I told him to have the same and he kept walking.]

So my father has informed me that my loans have been refunded or something along those lines, meaning I get some sort of money back. Whatever the reason, all I know is I now have money on my card. And I own a total of two pairs of pants. So, the $400 that I have (according to my father) is partially going to new pants. Talk about splurging. Typical teenager? Get money, buy pants.

So today in my 8am English class, we talked about an article titled ‘I need a wife’. It was basically about a woman who kept talking about how she needed a wife of her own due to all the work she does for her husband. It was fantastic, but the thing that made it even better were the responses it got from my classmates. As I sat there listening to the guys in the room comment on how all the work this woman had to do just on a daily basis was insane, and how it was too much to even expect all that from one woman and so on, it hit me. I’m actually in college. I realize this because if I were still sitting in a high school classroom, there would be at least half a dozen comments about ‘Oh, that’s the perfect woman, sex on demand and stays quiet…”, whereas in this class, it was the opposite. It was a wonderful feeling. Just the feeling of maturity in the room was noticeable.

Also related to my English class, my professor is actually a graduate student. So we are decently close in age. But whenever he talks, I can only think of his fiancé. He mentioned her twice in our very first class, and now all I can think about is how he is about to get married, or how he proposed, what she looks like, how he feels about her, etc. There is seriously something wrong with me.

Maybe part of it is that I can’t look at any guy around campus and not think ‘maybe you are him’, ‘you would give me my ginger babies’, I’ll say it again, issues. I’ve also come up with a theory while walking around trying not to get too lost or frostbitten. It’s simple really; what if, we are attracted to people who we think will give us what we want in our children? I know this sounds pretty shallow, but it’s kind of a basic primal way of looking at it. Ages ago, it was mate to keep the population alive. Now it’s marriage, children, job, etc. But what if, deep down, we never lost that drive. Mate with one who will give you the strongest offspring? Survival of the fittest, pure instinct.  It sounds brutal and harsh, even to me as I type this, but it also makes some sort of sense.  I want babies. I want to be in a relationship where babies can be a conversation…so many issues.

I start too many topics with ‘so’. So, sitting here my biggest dilemma has become, what time should I leave to get to class for a seat? It’s down the street a few blocks, and its super cold. I also have 45 minutes still. Second dilemma, how weird would it be if I were to pull out the muffin I have in my backpack in the middle of a coffee/sandwich shop? Decisions, decisions.

Oh! I have an idea, time for a free write. For those of you who are officially lost, a free write is when you write whatever comes to mind, without editing anything. So here goes.;

I need to find my book; I think it’s still in my pocketbook. I need to find that. Her voice is amazing. I love her. She’s badass. [Florence + the machine], I don’t want to walk out in the cold again. I want to go home and sleep. I don’t want to walk out to my dad’s car across campus after my seminar. I wonder what the seminar actually is. Why do we need it? People need to stop opening the door, it’s cold out there. I can’t stop pumping my foot. I’m running out of ideas. I want to sleep. I have to figure out the bus system so I can get to class tomorrow morning. I don’t want to go to math class. I hope my text books come today like mom said they would. I hate living at home, I don’t want to live with them anymore. It’s times like last night that really remind me why I wanted to move out. Reminded me why I wanted to kill myself…wow that was really deep shit. That escalated quickly as my friend would say. I’m typing so much the keyboard feels like its curving. My music got really quiet, and my fingers need t be cracked. My pants are hurting, I’m really bloated today. Damn. A nap would be amazing at the moment. I wonder what all I wrote in this free write. I wonder if people actually read my blog. That would be so cool. Having people actually care what I have to say. Although I’ve never gotten any comments from anyone I didn’t personally know. So maybe not. Okay I think it’s time to end the free write. My leg is cold and I need to crack my fingers.  Why aren’t those kids in school? There are a ton of kids who just walked in and…oh damn there’s a ton of them it must be a school trip. But to a coffee shop? Really? Why? Okay now I’m done.  

Allons-y
-M